You know what? Superman is starting to really tick me off!

This is a great JLA shirt I got off the clearance rack at Wal-Mart for two dollars. Two dollars! Come on, you can’t beat that, can you? Anyway this is my goal shirt. It’s a LARGE, but kind of a large LARGE if you catch my drift. I can wear it but its way too tight (uncomfortable to wear and for those around me who would be subjected to it!). Either that or I am not German enough.

What?

Every German guy I have ever met wears their t-shirts like they were sprayed on. This applies to toy collectors, horror fans* and others alike. I imagine their shopping excursions go a little like this**:

Two German men, both who would wear “large” or XL had they come from the US, are shopping at an independent record store, formerly located in Edison, NJ. The spy the t-shirt rack and go a-hunting.

Dieter: Look, Klaus! It’s a fantastic shirt mit a logo of that band I like!

Klaus: Ja! Das ist kool! Vat size is it?

Dieter: Alas, it is a “LARGE.”

Klaus and Dieter approach the counter where Bill is working.

Klaus: Hallo, good shopkeeper! You maybe have this in a “MEDIUM?”

Bill: You’re kidding, right?



Anyhow, I have this hanging by the bed so when I get up to go to go exercise, I can see it and know what I am working towards. The shirt, that is. I’m not attempting to gain superpowers. It’s a nice motivator, but I have, on occasion, been known to mutter “Ah, f**k you, Superman!” on those harder to wake up mornings. I mean, look at him, with his smug smile and his Kryptonian pecs.

I’D LOOK LIKE THAT TOO IF I WAS FROM YOUR PLANET, SMARTY PANTS!

If you think about it, Superman didn’t even have to work on his physique! Not ever! The yellow sun of Earth gave him his super powers and he can eat at McDonald’s all day (and probably did in one of those promotional comics back in the day where like, Batman’s utility belt gets stolen and he defeates the Joker with the help of two local kids and a bunch of crap from Radio Shack) and still not get fat.

Not Batman, no sir. He’s got to work at it. You don’t see Bruce Wayne eating a Double Whopper with Cheese, do you? I mean, yeah, Tony Stark at Burger King in the new Iron Man move, but the man obviously works out.

Maybe a bunch of superheroes on a shirt is not the motivation I need…




*My god, some of the people at the Chiller Theatre shows I used to go to. Wow.

**Totally based on a true story. Seriously. This actually happened, possibly(ok, probably) without the ridiculous, stereotyped accents. Anyway, our only guess was, as Germans are known for their efficiency, they see larger, roomier shirts as “inefficient use of fabric.”