How many Calories?

I’m not super calorie conscious, I admit it. I ought to be, lord knows, considering I am rapidly approaching the TWO YEAR COUNTDOWN TO FORTY, and my Sporty goal pertaining to that age! Anyway, I was reading a news article today about restaurants labeling their food in NYC with calorie content. Maybe I'm more conscious than I thought because I wasn't all that surprised by the calorie count on most stuff. Yes, the 1,300+ calorie Asian chicken salad shocked me a bit. I somehow pegged that to be in the 800s somewhere, but inder 1K easy. I mean, come on, it’s a salad for crying out loud, and it’s not even in one of those edible taco bowls. I assume it’s the dried cranberries. In reality, it’s the fact that it’s served in a bowl the size of a hubcap. Folks, when there comes a time when I cannot finish a salad more often than I can, it’s probably too many calories.

What was really funny was people being upset at a 500 calorie muffin at Dunkin Donuts. Sweet Fancy Moses, they are like the size of a baby’s head. Of course they have 500 calories, you dolts! That just makes sense. A piece of fruit that big probably has like 300, why would a baked good not be significantly higher? Yes some decadent desserts have 1,500 calories. You’re supposed to eat this after you have consumed the 1,200 calorie burger and fries (and unlimited soda!). No wonder we’re a nation of colossal fat-asses.

We all have that one thing where it doesn’t matter how many calories it is, you have to do it once in a while. Whether it’s White Castle, or funnel cake (Which I can barely stomach anymore), or something equally horrendous for you, we all have them. Chinese food is the ultimate killer for me. I love it, but that’s not why I started this entry. It's because of the following quote:

“We’re concerned,” acknowledged Eric Hagy, proprietor of Outback Steakhouse on Third Avenue in Manhattan. “I don’t know what effect it will have, but it will bring people’s attention to certain items that are high in calories, like the Bloomin’ Onion appetizer. It has over 2,000 calories, but it’s meant to be shared between two or three people.”

Now I love me some Bloomin’ Onion. I love the Goddamned Bloomin’ Onion almost more than a man should love a food. It’s indecent, really. I haven’t had one in probably a year and a half, and that’s fine, because I love every single one of those Two Thousand Calories so much I could probably give them individual names.*

TRUE STORY:

While in Syracuse, NY on business (I sold collectible toys back then) two fellow dealers, my father and I went to dinner at the Outback. We had the BO as our appetizer. Then we had our usual ridiculous dinner. When the waitress came to see if we wanted dessert we all looked at each other and we knew. We knew it was wrong, but we didn’t care. We were men of action, men of courage, men of intestinal fortitude.

We were men who ordered another frickin Bloomin’ Onion is what we were!

That’s right. Between the four of us, not counting beer (which may have been 1 each) we probably ate, oh, three thousand or so calories that night. I’m probably underestimating. Maybe closer to four thousand. Four Thousand Calories! In theory I should have been good for say, three days or so.

I’m not proud, but I am amazed that they didn’t need to defibrillate any of us there in the restaurant.















*Being Australian, at least two of them would be called Joey and Sheila. I’d also have Steve and Terri and Bindi Sue. I’d have an Angus and Malcolm Young, and a little Olivia Newton-Calorie as well!