Ruminations on blowing out one's "O-Ring"

Another wonderful aspect of the Fun-tabulous World of Fatties of which I am a member, is the tendency towards hernia. There’s all sorts of flavors, from the super serious ones that dump your intestines into your coin purse, to the one that I have, the somewhat benign umbilical or “belly-button” hernia. Yep. As I like to say, I blew out my O-ring.

A couple years ago I had a really nasty case of bronchitis and felt my belly button sort of pop. “Well, that’s odd,” I thought. I pushed it back in, it went back in, I forgot about it. Occasionally it’s pop out a little, I’d chuckle to my self, mutter “turkey’s done!” and push it back in.

Now that I have attained my current weight of about 262 ish pounds, it’s making my belly button look kind of weird. It doesn’t hurt, except for when Owen kicked me in the belly button a month or so back at the zoo and it hurt like hell for a week.

So I went to the doctor today for a little look-see. He came in the room and he looked like if you called down to Central Casting and said “Quick, get me a doctor, and make sure he looks trustworthy…” they’d send this guy up. In his 50s or so, silver hair, parted to the side. Wire rimmed glasses, lab coat, the whole ball of wax. Looks like Sam Waterson from Law and Order kinda, actually.

Anyway he pokes and prods me and assures me that we can talk about the operation once I get a little closer to 200 pounds, so he said see me in November.


I like this guy, he’s an optimist.

So that's one more thing to work towards.

MEANWHILE:

I am a hungry, bottomless pit of a beast today. I feel like a volcano god and the islanders are just standing there, at the rim of chaos, chucking anything they can find in my flaming, bottomless maw. Fruit, chickens, goats, monkeys, you name it, and still I scream “MORE!!!!!”

Hey, here’s a question: How come whenever they always sacrifice virgins to these volcano gods? I mean, if I was a Mighty Volcano God I think it’s be a little tedious, don’t you:

Virgin: Greetings, oh mighty one, I am the sacrifice! I am yours to do with as you will!
Volcano god: I AM THE MIGHTY WANNA-HAKKA-LOOGIE! I AM THE BE ALL AND THE END ALL! I AM THE…UH, WHAT’S WRONG?
Virgin: (giggling) I’m just a little nervous. I’ve never done this sort of thing before.
Volcano God: AW GEEZ. YOU’RE A…A VIRGIN RIGHT?
Virgin: Does this not please you, mighty one?
Volcano God: NO, NO, IT’S FINE, REALLY…LOOK, JUST HAVE A SEAT FOR A MINUTE, I NEED TO TALK TO THE HIGH PRIEST FOR A SECOND. HEY, DAVE, COME HERE A MINUTE!
High Priest Dave: (rushing up to the altar)Yes, oh, Mighty Master of the Island, commander of all, King of…
Volcano God: YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S GREAT. LOOK, DAVE, ABOUT THIS WHOLE "VIRGIN" THING…
HP Dave: Is the sacrifice not to your liking, your majesty?
Volcano God: OH, NO, SHE’S FINE, REALLY. SHE’S A SWEET KID. IT’S JUST…
HP Dave: Yes, Oh Mighty One?
Volcano God: WELL...NOT TO SOUND UNGRATEFUL OR ANYTHING...I MEAN, YOU GUYS ARE A GREAT BUNCH OF WORSHIPERS, REALLY! TOP DRAWER ALL THE WAY! BUT. DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE VIRGINS? I MEAN, THERE'S NO REASON YOU CAN'T CHANGE IT UP SOME, RIGHT?
HP DAVE: Uh, what?
Volcano God: WELL, YOU KNOW...MAYBE SEND SOMEONE UP WITH A LITTLE...OH HOW SHOULD I PUT THIS, A LITTLE EXPERIENCE NEXT TIME.
HP Dave: (Aghast)My Lord? We thought the pure of heart and spirit…
Volcano God: NO, THEY’RE GREAT, REALLY…BUT HOW ABOUT SOMEONE WITH A SOME IDEAS OF THEIR OWN? I’M NOT SAYING I WANT THE VILLAGE BYCICLE OR ANYTHING...
HP DAVE: What is a bicycle?
Volcano God: (sighs)NEVER MIND. (Goes back to Virgin, pours her a drink) SO…STILL IN SCHOOL?*

I don’t know where it comes from, but sometimes my brain just thinks of things.






*funny to anyone who has heard Dana Gould’s “FUNHOUSE” album.