With an Alli like this, who needs enemies?

Inspired by a headline I saw that people are reporting more side effects than ever with Alli.

If I told you they made a product that would almost guarantee a weight loss, but there was a better than reasonable chance you’d shart, would you still take it?

A lot of people do. Alli is that product. I see pallet-loads of it in Wal-Mart, which is pretty much ground zero for the Chubb Wars. I mean, where else are you going to see an obese woman driving a cart with one hand, pulling her two kids and a loaded shopping cart with the other, with an open pack of Hostess cakes on her lap? That’s right, Sad Town, population: WalMart shoppers.

Years ago you probably remember the chips and other snack foods that came out with Olestra. My mom bought them and was happily munching away on them when I came into the room and the following conversation took place:

Me: "Mom! Seriously? Olestra chips?"
Mom: "Yes, they are fat free!"
Me: "yeah but did you read the side-effects?"
Mom: "what? There’s no side effects!"
Me: "right here on the bag, May cause ‘anal leakage.' Ma! Anal leakage!"
My mom grabs the bag and reads it. She looks at me, completely aghast and says “But…the government wouldn’t let them sell something that was bad for you!”
I looked at her squarely and said: “Oh, you mean like cigarettes?”
Dad chuckled as Mom pushed the chips away.

Man, just eating more fiber gets me dangerously close to a first class ticket to the town of Brown Shorts Junction. I’m pretty dang sure I do not need a drug that takes the fat you don’t digest and basically lubricates your digestive system’s off-ramp. It’s what we here at the Sporty By Forty Compound call “overkill,” and I do not mean the band from NJ*.

What’s great is every one of these pills says the same thing “You will lose more weight using [wonderdrug] in conjunction with diet and exercise than you will with diet and exercise alone.”

Yeah, well, no shit, Sherlock. That’s like saying “You’ll die much faster shooting yourself in the face than you will by just waiting around for it to happen.”

Come on. No pill is going to allow Unlimited White Castles. Come to think of it, if you have enough White Castles, generally you’ll have no need for Alli after all.


*nor do I mean the one on SST records from LA either, just so we’re clear.